THE PROPHET'S (PBUH)
MARRIAGE WITH KHADIJAH (R)
by Dr. Ahmed El-Kadi
Back Next
Dr.
El-Kadi is a respected Muslim leader, both here in North
America and abroad. He has been active in numerous
local, national, and international Islamic
organizations. In North America, he has held positions
of leadership within MAYA, ISNA, MYNA, and IMA.
Currently, he resides in Panama City, where he has been
instrumental in establishing a full-time Islamic school
(with Islamic curriculum) and a medical research
institute which researches the effects/benefits of
Prophetic medicines. By profession, he is a (retired)
heart surgeon.
Introduction
The
period of the Prophet's family life during his marriage
to his first wife, Khadijah, could be considered as the
prototype of an Islamic family life. This implies that
we should look at this period as the ideal example for
family relationships, practices, and attitudes which we
should emulate. There is a lesson to be learned from
each aspect of this relationship, starting with the
circumstances surrounding its onset, followed by the
numerous, happy and sad incidents known to us that
filled this period of the Prophet's life.
For the purpose of brevity , only a few specific
observations will be discussed.
Circumstances
:
The
first observation is related to the circumstances
surrounding the onset of this marriage. The age of the
Prophet was 25 years, which is probably the optimal age
of marriage for a man. Khadijah was 40 years old at that
time. It this point should mean anything, it is to show
that the traditional expecta- tion that the wife's age
should be close to, or slightly less than the husband's
is not necessarily true all the time. What counts
actually is not the age, but the maturity and
compatibility. Another point of this observation is the
fact that the Prophet was independent, gainfully
employed, and very successful. His efficient work
performance and excellent business ability were actually
one the main reasons Khadijah was attracted to him.
Although Khadijah was wealthy and able to support the
household, the Prophet (pbuh) continued to work and
produce. This is another pointer for our husbands-to-be,
that he is able to provide for the family. A third point
is the fact that Khadijah was the one who approached the
Prophet regarding the marriage through her friend,
Nafeesah. Many of the Muslims feel that it is not
appropriate for a girl or her guardian to approach a man
regarding marriage, and that the man is the one who
should ask for the girl's hand. The example of the
Prophet's marriage to Khadijah shows that such a
tradition is just a matter of false pride. It is quite
appropriate for a female seeking marriage, or for her
guardian, to approach a qualified candidate regarding
marriage, as long as this is done in a decent, proper
way. It should actually be the duty of the parents to
look for the proper righteous husbands for their
daughters, since these righteous husbands are usually
difficult to find these days.
Another observation is related to the type of relation
and attitude between Muhammad (pbuh) and Khadijah. This
family relationship was charac- terized by love,
respect, and appreciation; by hard work, support, and
cooperation; and above all, by unprecedented loyalty
that lasted till the end of the Prophet's life, even
after the death of Khadijah. How did the Prophet (pbuh)
achieve such a beautiful relationship?
The
Prophet's (PBUH) Character :
One
clue to this beautiful relationship was the beautiful
standard of character of the Prophet (pbuh) himself.
When Ayeshah was asked about the character of the
Prophet (pbuh), she answered: `His character was the
Qur'an; whatever upset Allah, upset him; and whatever
pleased Allah, pleased him; and after Allah had
perfected his character, He praised him by saying in the
Qur'an:
"And
verily, you have an exalted standard of character..." (Qur'an
68:4)
It
was the consensus of all those who knew the Prophet (pbuh)
that he was gentle and kind; generous and noble;
thoughtful and considerate; honest and sincere; loyal
and trustworthy. He liked the good and disliked the
evil. He had a sense of humour without excess; he joked
but always spoke the truth; he was simple but firm; he
was humble though he had great wisdom and knowledge; he
was an example of morality; and he was a mercy to anyone
who got in touch with him. True was Allah's description
of him:
"We
sent you not but as a mercy for all creatures ..."
(21:107)
Anyone who saw him, respected him. And anyone who got to
know him, loved him. With all the beautiful features
listed above, it is no wonder that he won the heart of
Khadijah as he won the hearts of all his followers and
companions. The Qur'an teaches us that goodness would
convert enemy to friend:
"Nor
can Goodness and Evil be equal. Repel (evil) with what
is better, then the one who was your enemy becomes as he
were your best friend and intimate..." (Surah 41:34)
If
goodness can make a friend out of an enemy, it can
definitely increase and strengthen the ties with a love
one.
Mutual Support and Counseling :
This
simple but true fact is commonly ignored by many
marriage partners. They take the relationship between
them for granted. They may express their kind feelings
to outsiders and show their best behaviour to strangers,
but when they deal with each other, each assumes that
the other already knows his or her feelings. They take
each other's feelings for granted. If each partner shows
the best of himself or herself to his/her partner, many
shaky marriages will become healthy and successful
again. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) gave us the best example
in this respect. He always showed his best side to his
family. He always asked the believers to be good to
their families, and when it comes to good deeds, own
should start with those he is in charge of.
Another clue to the realization of an ideal family
relationship such as the one which existed between the
Prophet (pbuh) and his wife, Khadijah, was the mutual
counseling and support. A single incident will be quoted
to make a point. I was the time when the Prophet (pbuh)
received the first revelation. The magnitude and the
impact of this incident was so great that it literally
shook him up. Whom did he go to for counsel and support
in such a difficult time? Did he go this best friend? Or
to his lawyer? Or to his professor or advisor? Or to the
elder of the community or tribe? None of these. He went
to his wife Khadijah. He asked her for support and for
her opinion, and apparently he knew what he was doing.
She responded in the most appropriate manner. She did
not faint or panic. She ated in the most comforting and
supportive way, and filled him with confidence. She was
quoted to say:
"Be
steadfast and have good news. By the one who has
khadijah's soul in His hand, I wish you become the
Prophet of the this nation. By God, God will never let
you down. You are kind to the kin, you are truthful in
your word, you carry the weak, you host your guest, and
you support the afflicted."
Someone may ask: what would this single incident mean?
It means quite a lot. This type of mutual trust and
confidence does not develop instantly. It is rather the
result of long years of exposure, testing and practice.
In such a challenging and difficult situation, the
Prophet (pbuh) would not seek counsel and support from
someone he had not trusted and tried before.
The
point to be made is that the mutual counseling and
support between marriage partners is an essential
ingredient for a successful family life. IT serves two
purposes: One is that a very useful source of counsel
and support must be utilized rather than wasted. Second,
the consulted partner will develop confidence, in
addition to a sense of participation and appreciation,
which will further strengthen family ties.
Helping Around the House :
Another clue was the Prophet's participation in the
activities of his family, giving a helping hand whenever
he could. When Ayeshah was asked:
"What did the Prophet (pbuh) do at home?" She replied:
"He would be involved in the service of his family, and
when the time for prayers was due, he would wash up and
go out for prayers."
Unfortunately, may men feel that it is beneath their
dignity to participate in housework. It is true that the
home and housekeeping are usually the domain and
responsibility of the wife, but a helping hand by a
husband can be of great value. On the one hand, it will
help the husband to undertstand and appreciate the
duties and problems of his wife. On the other hand, it
will signal to the wife his interest and caring
attitude. Besides, his behaviour will be an example to
the children, who might feel that housework is for
mothers only. Sometimes the services of the husband are
not needed, or not feasible. Here, gestures of goodwill
and willingness to help are all that is needed. At other
times, his service at home may be badly needed. In such
a case, any time he can spare to serve his family is
time well-spent. Of course, the service provided could
be physical, spiritual, or intellectual.
Respect for the family :
Another clue was the Prophet's (pbuh) respect for his
family. Ayeshah said:
"The
Messenger of Allah (pbuh) has never beaten a wife or a
servant, and he has never hit anything with his hand
except when fighting in the cause of Allah."
Although physical discipline may be required or
justified in a crisis and when dealing with immature
individuals where reason and logic are of no value, the
Prophet (pbuh) always discouraged this mode of action.
The normal treatment of mature individuals should be
based mainly on logic, reason and sound understanding.
The main miracle of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) is the
Qur'an, which is a message to the minds of all people.
IT is the Islamic approach to utilize mainly the mind
and reasoning rather than to paralyze and overpower the
person by physical means. When it comes to corrective
action, a serious word or look or gesture could be more
effective and even more painful than beating with a
whip. Physical means are saved for the ones who do not
have enough mind to understand. When beating has to be
used along these lines, the Prophet (pbuh) teaches us
that one should not hurt and that one should avoid the
face. The Prophet (pbuh), however, gives us a marvelous
reminder:
"The
best among you do not beat."
There is indeed a great message in this short statement.
Stability in Face of Hardships :
Another clue to the successful marriage was the
stability and good faith of the partners when facing
difficulties and afflictions. Many husbands and wives
are taken by frustration and despair when they face
difficult problems. Some lose control and completely
break down. Many families fall apart after loss of
money, failure of business, or any other type of trauma.
The Prophet (pbuh) and his wife faced a great many
difficulties, including the loss of children (especially
the loss of boys in a society which used to kill female
infants out of shame). In addition, they suffered the
rejection and persecution inflicted on them by their own
people. Their response did not consist in breaking down,
or giving up. These difficulties probably increased
their determination to build up their efforts to cope
with difficulties. This clue should be a good lesson for
all marriage partners who are shaken by the least of
tremors in their family life.
Loyalty
:
Another feature of the relationship between Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) and his wife Khadijah, was his
unprecedented loyalty to her. Loyalty is actually a
cause and a result of the ideal marital relationship
which existed between them. Loyalty is not just the lack
of cheating, or lack of having extra-marital relations.
Loyalty can be an on-going positive attitude which can
be expressed in many actions, words or gestures. The
resultant strenghthening of personal relations between
the partners will in turn increase their loyalty towards
one another. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) remained loyal to
Khadijah to the end of his life, long after her death.
Ayeshah used to say that she was not jealous of any
woman more than Khadijah, although Khadijah was already
dead, because the Prophet (pbuh) always had the best
memories of her. The Prophet (pbuh) also had a special
kind of feeling towards anyone Khadijah used to like.
Hard Work, Together for the Sake of Allah :
One
more feature of the happy marriage to Khadijah was that
it was not a restful and easy-going one. Besides love
and affection, there was a great deal of struggle and
hard work to spread the message of Islam. When the
Prophet (pbuh) received the second revelation:
"O
you wrapped up. Arise and deliver thy warning..." (Surah
74, 1-2)
which woke him from his sleep, breathing heavily and
sweating profusely, his wife Khadijah approached him
gently to go back to bed and have some sleep and rest.
His answer was:
"O
Khadijah, the time for sleep and rest is over. Jibril
has commanded me to warn the people and call them to
Allah and His worship. Whom should I call? And who is
going to respond to me?"
Khadijah comforted him and anxiously declared her Islam
and her acceptance of the prophethood of her husband.
From then on, it was like a Da'wah team, striving
together in the cause of Allah.
This
lesson is for every family, where one partner is upset
and concerned because the other partner has to work hard
in the cause of Allah. It would make things a lot easier
if both partners did this work together and started
their won Da'wah team. Part of the Da'wah work will
naturally go towards their won personal education and
the teaching of their children. By doing it this way,
the frustration will subside, and the joy and pleasure
will grow.
The
above listed aspects and many more, all contributed to
the develop- ment of the beautiful relationship between
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and his wife Khadijah.
The
marriage to Khadijah was a "one wife marriage". For 25
years of the Prophet's prime age and in a time and place
where unlimited polygamy was quite acceptable, and until
the death of Khadijah, it remained a monoga- mous
marriage. Could it be that Divine wisdom wanted this
aspect to be one of the features of this "model
marriage" for all of us to emulate under normal
circumstances?
Click Here For Nikah