Praise
be to Allaah.
It seems that you did something that
is against shareeah when you got to know this young man, especially since you speak
well of his religious commitment and character. We do not know what religious commitment
and good character this young man can have who have agrees to get to know a girl who
is not his mahram and to converse with her, and the relationship may have gone further
than that, such as meetings etc.
Islam forbids the establishment of such
relationships between the sexes.
It is not permissible to marry a woman
without her guardians permission, and such a marriage contract is not valid; and it
is not permissible for the father to force his daughter to marry someone whom she
does not want.
Secondly:
With regard to the issue of compatibility
in marriage, the majority of scholars state that compatibility in lineage is to be
taken into account. Others disagreed and said that no compatibility is required except
in terms of religious commitment. This was narrated from Umar, Ibn Masood, Muhammad
ibn Sireen and Umar ibn Abd al-Azeez. It was the view of Imam Maalik, and was narrated
from Ahmad, and it was the view favoured by Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah and Ibn al-Qayyim
(may Allaah have mercy on them both).
In Zaad al-Maaad, Ibn al-Qayyim
devoted a chapter to the ruling of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) on compatibility in marriage, and he quoted the verses which indicate that. He
said:
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
O mankind! We have created you from
a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know one another.
Verily, the most honourable of you with Allaah is that (believer) who has At‑Taqwa
[i.e. he is one of the Muttaqoon (the pious)]. Verily, Allaah is All‑Knowing,
All‑Aware
[al-Hujuraat 49:13]
The believers are nothing else than
brothers
[al-Hujuraat 49:10]
The believers, men and women, are
Awliyaa (helpers, supporters, friends, protectors) of one another
[al-Tawbah 9:71]
So their Lord accepted of them (their
supplication and answered them), Never will I allow to be lost the work of any of
you, be he male or female. You are (members) one of another
[Aal Imraan 3:195]
And the Prophet (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) said: There is no superiority of an Arab over a non-Arab, or
of a non-Arab over an Arab, or of a white man over a black man, or of a black man
over a white man, except in terms of piety. The people come from Adam and Adam came
from dust.
And he said: The people of such and
such a tribe are not my friends and supporters, rather my friends and supporters are
the pious, no matter where they are.
In Tirmidhi it says that the Messenger
of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: If there comes to you
one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, marry (your daughter
or female relative under your care) to him, for if you do not do that, there will
be tribulation in the land and corruption. They said: O Messenger of Allaah, even
if he has something (some other disadvantage)? He said: If there comes to you one
with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, marry (your daughter
or female relative under your care) to him three times.
And the Prophet (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) said to Banu Bayaadah: Accept Abu Hinds proposal if he proposes
marriage and seek his daughters hands in marriage and he was a cupper.
The Prophet (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) married Zaynab bint Jahsh to Zayd ibn Haarithah, his freed slave,
and he married Faatimah bint Qays al-Qurashiyyah to Usaamah the son of Zayd, and Bilaal
married the sister of Abd al-Rahmaan ibn Awf.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
Bad statements are for bad people
(or bad women for bad men) and bad people for bad statements (or bad men for bad women).
[al-Noor 24:26]
then marry (other) women of your
choice
[al-Nisa 4:3]
What we learn from the rulings of the
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) is that what matters with regard
to compatibility is religious commitment, first and foremost. No Muslim woman should
marry a kaafir man, and no chaste woman should marry an immoral man. The Qur'aan and
Sunnah do not pay attention to any other factor in compatibility apart from that.
Islam forbids a Muslim woman to marry a fornicator and does not give any consideration
to his lineage or occupation, or whether he is rich or poor, free or slave. It allows
a slave to marry a free, rich woman of noble lineage, if he is chaste and is a Muslim,
and it allows non-Qurayshis to marry Qurayshi women, and non-Haashimis to marry Haashimi
women, and poor men to marry women who are well off. End quote.
Zaad al-Maaad,
5/158-160
Al-Bukhaari (may Allaah have mercy on
him) included in Kitaab al-Nikaah (the Book of Marriage, in his Saheeh)
a chapter entitled Chapter on compatibility in religious commitment and the words
(interpretation of the meaning): And it is He Who has created man from water, and
has appointed for him kindred by blood, and kindred by marriage [al-Furqaan 25:54].
In this chapter he quoted evidence to
suggest that this kind of compatibility is the only kind to be considered, especially
since it is followed by chapters which are called, Chapter on compatibility in wealth
and the marriage of a poor man to a rich woman, and Chapter on a free woman marrying
a slave.
Shaykh Abd al-Azeez ibn Baaz (may Allaah
have mercy on him) was asked:
What is meant by their saying qubayli and khudayri?
He replied:
This is a minor matter which is well
known among people.
Qubayli refers to one who has a known
tribe to which he belongs, such as saying he is Qahtaani, Subayi, Tameemi, Qurashi,
Haashimi and so on. Such a person may also be called qabali (tribal), because he belongs
to a tribe (qabeelah).
Khudayri is something that is known
only to the people of Najd, and it is not known elsewhere. This word is used to describe
one who has no known tribe to which he belongs, i.e., it is not known whether he belongs
to Qahtaan or Tameem or Quraysh, but he is an Arab who speaks Arabic and he lives
among them, even if he belongs to a known group.
According to Arab custom, a mawla (freed
slave) is one who was originally a slave then was set free. And the ajam (non Arabs)
are those who are not belong to the Arab people. They come from non-Arab origins and
are not originally Arabs, so they are known as aaajim (non-Arabs).
The ruling according to the religion
of Allaah is that none of these groups are superior to any other, except in terms
of piety, regardless of whether they are tribal or non-tribal (qubayli or khudayri),
freed slaves or non-Arabs. All of them are equal and none is superior to another,
except in terms of taqwa, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
said: There is no superiority of an Arab over a non-Arab, or of a non-Arab over an
Arab, or of a red man over a black man, or of a black man over a red man, except in
terms of piety. And Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
O mankind! We have created you from
a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know one another.
Verily, the most honourable of you with Allaah is that (believer) who has At‑Taqwa
[i.e. he is one of the Muttaqoon (the pious)]. Verily, Allaah is All‑Knowing,
All‑Aware
[al-Hujuraat 49:13]
But the custom among the Arabs in ancient
times was that they would marry their daughters into tribes whom they knew and some
of them would refuse to give their daughters in marriage to someone who did not have
a known tribe. This attitude still remains among the people. Some of them may be more
tolerant and give their daughters in marriage to non-tribal persons, freed-slaves
and non-Arabs, as happened at the time of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah
be upon him). The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) married Usaamah
ibn Zayd ibn Haarithah, who was his freed slave, to Faatimah bint Qays who was from
Quraysh. Similarly, Abu Hudhayfah ibn Utbah ibn Rabeeah, who was from Quraysh, married
his freed slave Saalim to the daughter of his brother al-Waleed ibn Utbah, and he
did not care that he was a freed slave.
Such things happened often among the
Sahaabah and those who came after them, but after that the people, especially in Najd
and some other places, stopped doing that and took a strict stance on it, according
to the attitudes they inherited from their forefathers. Perhaps they feared that some
members of their tribe might criticize them by saying to them, Why did you marry So
and so? This is an affront to our tribe and a mixing of lineages and so on. Or they
may give some excuses that may have been valid at some time but are not any more.
What matters is choosing someone who
is fit because of his character and religious commitment. If he meets these criteria
then he is suitable, whether he is an Arab or a non-Arab, a freed slave or a non-tribal,
or whatever. This is the basic principle. If some people do not want to marry anyone
except someone from their own tribe, there is no sin in that. And Allaah is the Source
of strength. End quote.
Majmoo Fataawa al-Shaykh Ibn
Baaz, 5/146, 147
Conclusion:
Your family have the right to refuse
to accept this young man as a husband for you because he is not compatible in terms
of character and religious commitment. We advise you to fear Allaah and to keep away
from this young man and the means which enabled you to get to know him. May Allaah
bless you with a righteous husband who will help you to obey Allaah, and to raise
a righteous generation who will strive to obey Allaah and will live and die worshipping
Him.
And Allaah knows best.